funny.

Perfect! I need to carry around a pack of these at all times. (via science geek)

These are hillarious!

With the exception of the absence of lightning, flowing robes, a staff and an encampment of Israelites waiting for me at the bottom of a mountain, I have a feeling that I had the same reaction when I first saw these cards as Moses did when handed the Ten Commandments.

"But of COURSE! Makes perfect sense!! Why didn't we think of these before? Would have avoided a lot of trouble...."

Or perhaps I'm wrong and he just thought, "Holy crap these tablets are heavy. How do I shlep 'em down the mountain?"

Well weight is not something you will have to worry about with these sassy and classy clever little cards. They are in my Top Ten List of Greatest Things EVER. Ever. Really. That's the extent to which I believe in their usefulness to humanity.

I could launch into my monologue about how depressing it is to see the lack of manners, kindness and just general "people being cool"-ness out there in the world today. But I'm sober. And need alcohol and an inappropriate social occasion to ignite that puppy it seems. At least that's the way it's come out in the past (picture yours truly delivering a 'Society SUCKS and NOBODY has dinner parties like in the 1950's anymore' slurred verbal spanking, with the drama of George C Scott in 'Patton', lacking the dramatic musical score of the aforementioned, at a wedding with an open bar, no food in my stomach and some guy making a dumb crack about how stupid he thinks fondue pots are.... You see, while they didn't crack into the highest echelon of my Top Ten contributions to civilization list, fondue pots made a great run at it, are another of my favorite things ever and apparently are something I will vigorously defend when sauced up on champagne, Jack and Coke and one single lettuce leaf (oh wait, pardon me, ENDIVE) filled with some kind of ham cream.)

But I digress. Back to the cards...Society needs a kick in the arse. Inconsiderate acts and people dignity-jacking (think I just invented a word there... ) one another is getting out of hand. As my Irish Catholic mother used to say, (brace yourself, you're about to bear witness to the only sex talk I ever got... it was more of a sex sentence actually) "Once you go down that road, you never go back to holding hands." I know. It's hard to know what the hell she was trying to say if you really think about that one. People who've had sex still hold hands. Think a re-wording would have helped. Something that left you realizing that once something has taken you to a new level, you can't erase that it happened and just go back to the way you were before. Every step we take farther away from a respectful living environment is one step farther away from the memory of what it was even like and increases the unliklihood we'll ever make it back to that place. Thus, douchebags must not go unchecked. For the sake of civilization.

Ok. Ignoring the fact that I did indeed begin the launch sequence of the Monologue WITHOUT alcohol, let me say that these cards are an elegant way to bring back a little coolness to life in general. In a society where the wrong look can get you punched or knifed, their calm, cool design allows them to slip into a hand and deliver an unexpected punch of their own with minimal threat to your physical safety. People are just too speechless to react.

Yes, I really do use them. Often. At times, for laughs when out with friends. But at other times, more seriously. Just last week when I was at Toys R Us with my girls I saw a couple with their daughter who was about ten. My oldest daughter's age. She was so quiet and just... good. She was a good girl. Who turned to her mom and said- like any kid would- "Is it ok if I get some gum?" as they stood behind us at the register. The mother turned and snarled, "Goddammit!! How many times do I have to tell you that if you want something bring your own damn money!!!" And I saw that awful sight that is becoming all too common- the subtle flash across a child's face when a little piece of dignity has been taken away from them. You can almost feel them getting smaller. I also mentally saw myself grabbing a shruiken and embedding it into the mother's head. But instead of reaching for ninja weapons, I calmly took out a Douche Card and handed it to her as I finished paying my bill. Then we walked away to the sound of total silence. Do I think that changed her at all? Nah. But maybe, just maybe, in saying "that's not ok. What you just did? Nope. Not cool." it changed for even just one minute the feeling that little girl had of being the one who was wrong.

Now if only I could have convinced the guy who hates fondue pots of how wrong HE was...

i want to keep these at my desk at work and give them out to those "special" coworkers.

Four little words that need no other explanation for why I need these "business" cards.

These are just rad for the next time the guy doused in Drakkar decides to keep asking me, "Vhy jooo so smiling? Vhat jooo tink is so funny? Come on bebe, I show you my new merrrccedes benz" And for 5 bucks? A down-right bargain - I mean it's a total return on your investment.