Despite the guy from Bird on a Wire's best efforts, Judaism, well, exists. The Children of David observed Yom Kippur, the tenth day of Tishri, the holiest day of the Hebrew calendar, on Monday. As I had my mother visiting me, I was racked with guilt and overcome with anxiety. Suffice it to say, I also felt very Jewish. Now as a sign of camaraderie, I would like to take the time to apologize and atone myself. To the following individuals, institutions and organizations, I extend my sincerest regrets.

1) The RAND Corporation: It was unfair of me to publicly state that you serve as little purpose as CBS and/or saving the rainforest.
2) Coldplay's Chris Martin: I apologize for encouraging you to pursue your dreams.
3) Richie's Lil Readers Book Club for Children: Mitch Albom...Mitch Albom.
4) UES Blockbuster Video Circa 1995...Re: House Party 2 VHS: I just had to take it. I'm pretty sure it was the only one in existence and you do not pass up such an opportunity.
5) M.Y.S.T: My affinity for women and enjoyment prevented me from journeying your magical lands.
6) Dinosaur Jr: You do not receive the recognition you deserve on various MySpace Interests pages. I blame myself.
7) Craig Kilborn: I should have killed you sooner.
8) Richard Nouveau: Reasons vast and varied.

With that, I wish you a belated L'Shanah Tovah and hey, if you can't get into the Book of Life, I know a guy who knows the hostess. Text me if you have any trouble. (via Pocket Change)