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Child Torment 101 - a list by DLP

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They're only young once... so dress them up funny, get out your camera, and document, document, document... you'll need the leverage when they turn 15.

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Viewing 11-20 of 54 Items

Air Freshener Costume

First to recommend

Description

Mmmm... smells like pine... and Desitin.

Nom nom nom nom nom.

Updated Jul 9, 2008

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Child Torment 101

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Child Toilet Costume

4 people recommended this item

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Because your child will thank you. No, really.

Updated Jul 9, 2008

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Bear Oatmeal Infant/Toddler Costume

First to recommend

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1.) WTF is bear oatmeal?
2.) Check out the face.
3.) Donnie Darko called. He wants his umbilical cord back. Sans rat fetus.

Updated Jun 19, 2008

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Random Bizarre Things That I Love So Much

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According to "childcarers in the Netherlands" you're supposed to bathe your child in this tub in the fetal position for the first three years of life in order to "ease the transition from the comfort of the mother's womb."

There's another camp that would argue our children are children for much too long, that this would only promote the prolonging of symbolic infancy into the third year of life.

So, if you want your thirty-year-old climbing into bed between the two of you in the middle of the night because s/he is afraid of the dark, keep it up, psycho.

Er1n and I agree - there's a time when one must leave the embryonic fluid behind and venture out into the world of air, food, and suckage.

Get used to it, kid. It's going to be like this for eighty years. And then your family is going to argue over which one gets your vintage tummy-tub from back in the days when people tried to keep their babies babies for as long as humanly possible....

Updated Jul 17, 2008

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Random Bizarre Things That I Love So Much

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Baby Toupee

2 people recommended this item

Description

too cute. great halloween costume for baby.

Updated Feb 16, 2009

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BabyPlus Prenatal Education System

First to recommend

Description

According to Freakonomics, this does NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

Apparently, your baby's capacity for testing well in school has more to do with the IQ of the parents. Isn't that SHOCKING? I know I'm shocked. I'm just beside myself.

That, and I'm predisposed to being grossed out by the suggestion that my "womb" is "the perfect classroom." Really? You're going to go there? Seriously? Yuck.

Updated Jul 28, 2008

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Baby Cage

First to recommend

Description

"Infant Confinement Specialists Since 2001" (Yes, I'm serious - it really says that on the page.)

We used to refer to the play pen as "The Big House," but man.... YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR. What is wrong with you??? This is worse than the baby leash. If you have to ask me why, you need to be removed from gene pool. Stat.

Updated Jul 28, 2008

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The Babykeeper Infant Restroom Seat

2 people recommended this item

Description

Remember all of those 80s movies where the bullies hung up the lovable little nerdy freshmen by their underwear? Why not get your babies used to this while they're young? That way, when the damaged you've inflicted upon their poor little yet-to-be-fully-formed personalities comes to fruition and you've made them entirely socially inept, they won't think anything of it when the crew and lacrosse teams hang them by their underwear from the founder's sculpture in the quad. This will be perfectly normal. No scarring! Brilliant!

Updated Aug 12, 2008