Legend of Herr Gunther & His Wunderbar World Tour! - a list by DLP

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According to legend, Dave the Demolisher was under contract to dismantle the ceiling of a home in Collinsville, IL. As our dashing anti-hero was carrying out his destructive duties, much to his surprise, a most intriguing item fell next to him upon a pillow of puffy pink insulation.... Provoked by an ongoing disparaging text messaging war with his cohort Krista, the Accordion Virtuosa of St. Louis, Dave the Destroyer decided to give said item to our perplexed maestra, preceded by an original poem....

Qualifications:

I am the entrusted historian of The Legend.

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Viewing 1-7 of 7 Items

Leather Writing Journal with Strap closure

First to recommend

Description

We've known each other for a while,
But it really hasn't been long at all,
Lots of food and German beers,
I'd say we've had a ball.

From stories being told on Wednesdays,
About your family affairs,
We've had ourselves some side-splitting laughs,
While dentures soar through the air.

At times all I can think about,
Is how much you have grown,
To be a bigger jerk than usual,
While I still fucking own.

Summer's thankfully departed,
And winter's finally arrived,
The temperature is oh-so perfect,
Where's my fucking pie?

It's been so beautiful and cold this season,
Yet we've had no luck,
On building a snowman together,
In your eyes it's because I suck.

Your texts are always such a joy to receive,
Regardless if they're cruel,
Always glad to see your good sense of humor,
Even while your sister's house is doused with fuel.

Hopefully I stop “blowing you off”,
So we can hang out some more,
It'll have to be a cheap night,
As you know I'm fucking poor.

Consider this gift a symbol,
Of how long our friendship should last,
Always looking towards the future,
But never forsaking the past.

I look forward to more cookies,
Baked with love and placed in a tin,
Especially now that a white President moved out,
And a black one has moved in.

Updated Jan 26, 2009

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2 comments

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Red Biohazard Waste Bags

First to recommend

Description

And so our anti-hero Dave, Demolisher of Housetops, hands a handsomely wrapped token of his favor to our ardent accordionist, asking her to read his eloquent balladry aloud. Krista, Squeezebox Savant, complies with fervor! All-in-all, our impassioned musician was touched by Dave the Dismantler's lyricism, and turned her attention to the pretty package in her possession.

Updated Jan 26, 2009

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Gothic Victorian Taxidermy Squirrel Feet Earrings Antiqued Silver

3 people recommended this item

Description

So Krista the Concertinist rips off the wrapping paper, and instead of opening the box, she lifts the lid slightly and stuffs her face in to peek. She twitches, readjusting her head slightly for a better view, and then suddenly pulls away in horror, shaking and convulsing, softly muffling her crying....

Looking on, Dave the Destroyer's sister and brother-in-law, Mr. and Mrs. Joe Wookiee, recoil in response to our musician's reverberations. Her cries turn to convulsive laughter as she turns to Dave the Demolisher and screams, "You asshole! Who the fuck gives something like that as a present?!"

Updated Jan 27, 2009

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Carcass Art-Sculpture

First to recommend

Description

She stands up defiantly, throws the lid off of the shoebox, and thrusts it into their general direction.

Looking into the box in shock, Mrs. Shanny Wookiee, exclaims, "What in the fuck? Tell me that's not the squirrel from Alli's house."

Dave the Destroyer nods, bellowing with laughter, unable to speak.

Mrs. Shanny Wookiee clarifes, "You. Just gave. A mummified squirrel. As a gift."

The Demolisher nods, still laughing.

Mrs. Shanny Wookiee stood there for a moment, stunned, transfixed. She then looked up at him and wistfully mused, "You're my biggest fucking hero...EVER."

And it is thus that we are introduced to our Vir Mortuus, Herr Gunther the Mummified Squirrel!

Updated Jan 27, 2009

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Hohner Corona II Diatonic Accordion

First to recommend

Description

After the riotous raucousness over Herr Gunther's spectacular entrance began to diminuendo, Krista's eyes glazed over as she stared uncomfortably at the ground before her. Grasping to regain her stronghold on reality, she timidly asked, "May I play my accordion now?"

Mrs. Shanny Wookiee paused thoughtfully for a moment to consider Krista's request, and replied, "Yes... let us hear it... but Dave the Destroyer needs to make Herr Gunther do the Polka...."

Updated Jan 27, 2009

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Faux Antique Flip Mino Camcorder

First to recommend

Description

"We must document the festivities for posterity!" exclaimed Mrs. Shanny Wookiee, and she prepared for the recording of what was soon to be the very stuff of legend as family and friends partaking of the Polka party scurried to their places and readied to begin the ghastly jamboree.

Updated Jan 27, 2009

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Antique apothecary cabinet

First to recommend

3 people recommended this item

Description

As the gruesome gathering took their places awaiting the very moment at which the consonance would commence, Dave the Demolisher discerned that the venerated visitor was missing! He made a mad dash for the Hub of Distraction where he found our Herr Gunther snuggled solidly inside of his cardboard casket!

Updated Jan 27, 2009

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Viewing 1-7 of 7 Items

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