Accoutrements for an Early Mid-Life Crisis - a list by tatorandtots

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About this list:

From the dictionary: A crisis (plural: crises): an unstable and dangerous social situation. I am SO DUE for a "get out of jail free card" to use in dangerous social situations of my own creation. Perhaps the theme should be "S.O.S.": Slut off Sabbatical. Who knows. All I know is that I'm 37 and in the mood to raise a little hell. I'll be packing the things on this list in a flame-retardant picnic basket for the adventure. Grab a great bra and join me.

Qualifications:

I can rock cleavage better than girls half my age. Bring it.

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Lick My Cards: Because you really don't care

First to recommend

Description

First of all, a disclaimer. This site is chock full of sexist, racist humor.

But as a broad and a mick, I have pretty thick skin.

So I found some of these to be pretty damn funny.

The html code is provided for easy posting to blogs or you can email them to friends.

Updated Aug 7, 2008

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Eleven Eleven Condom Covers

First to recommend

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Dear God the follicles on that man.... I want to look away but can't.

See the full line at:
http://eleveneleven.net/condoms.htm#

Updated Aug 8, 2008

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Ceiling Mirror

First to recommend

Description

CeilingMirror.com - Transform Your Environment

Ok, I think you can figure this out without any explanation from yours truly.
What I will add, though, is that the ceilingmirror.com flash site is really quite sexy. Now I leave you to your own thoughts. Just remember what they say about a mirror in a room- it makes everything look bigger. LOL.

Updated Jul 1, 2008

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The Corset Factory

First to recommend

Description

I love everything on her site- the rockabilly corsets, the pin-ups.... I simply want every single one.

Updated Jul 3, 2008

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Sassy Rosary

First to recommend

2 people recommended this item

Description

I will be wearing this when the lightning hits me. Please be sure my epitaph reads, "She was not surprised."

Thanks.

Oh, it's available in different colors.

Updated Jul 16, 2008

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HOOKER MEDALLIONS

First to recommend

Description

Corey Helford is a lady I'd like to knock a few martinis back with.

Not only is she a talented artist and jewelry designer but she has the cojones to unabashedly use hookers as her prime subject matter in a way that balances the obvious sensationalism with a certain elegance. If there is such a thing as slutty dignity- and I tend to think there most certainly is, at least in the proper lighting lol- then she's nailed it.

Why do I think that's great? Because when the hell is the last time you saw hooker art on a pendant? I mean, have you EVER? I haven't. And I am so thirsty for design (pardon the pun in advance) that ventures "outside the box" that I want to celebrate it at every opportunity.

The thought "I wish I had a hooker medallion" has never crossed my mind. Until today. Now I want one. Really want one. Do I think they're demeaning to women? No. The contrary. Just my opinion, but I believe that by utilizing the subject with her "Yeah, so they're hookers. So what?" attitude she humanizes a group of women that many of us have stripped of identities and reduced to a stereotype. Her subjects exude power in my eyes. Now, I wouldn't feel this way if they were 16-year-olds out on the street. But these women very much look like they want to be where they are. They used their freedom of choice. So they're hookers? So what.

Love these. Never would have thought I would but I do. As for the above rant, perhaps I'm overthinking it just to justify the purchase. Eh, so what. Bottom line? These are cool.

Updated Jul 16, 2008

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Sex Contract - Sign This Form Before You Have Sex

First to recommend

Description

Oh, I think I'll let the site explain this one....

"You wouldn't get married without a prenuptial agreement or jump out of a plane without a parachute. So why have sex without a contract? This site makes it quick and easy to generate a sex consent form, detailing what you and your partner are willing, and not willing, to do.

Answer some simple questions and we will generate a custom sex contract tailored just for you and your partner. Best of all, this service is free.

Our secure server uses 128-bit SSL technology to ensure that your information is kept completely private. In addition, we do not maintain copies of any submissions. "

Updated Jul 3, 2008

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Hooker Prints. Yep, Hooker Prints.

First to recommend

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Art posters depicting working girls. Oh come on, with names like "Hooker Poker," "Fancy Hooker Mental Party" and "Safari Girl Pileup" how could I NOT take a look?

Love the Miss Hooker one. Very Bundy.

Updated Jul 16, 2008

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Hollywood Exxtreme Cleavage Bra

First to recommend

2 people recommended this item

Description

For Mile-High Clubbers:
If you came through this way because of the link from the How to Join the Mile-High Club list, great. Nice to have you.

Here's the thing: Ladies, you need to have a great bra on to pull off the Bathroom Badda Bing, Badda Boom on an airplane. Not just for the contortions you will have to twist yourself into but also because of a simple, undeniable fact: Hot people get more breaks. That's right. I said that out loud. Well, typed it. But it's like porn- people don't want to think of ugly people having sex. They don't mind and may even like to think of attractive people enjoying one another's company in a horizontal- or in this case vertical- way. The porn industry will 'back me up' on this.

So wear a good bra. The attendants will be less likely to stop you out of sheer horror. Just a suggestion.
________________________

Aside from bearing witness to what some may prudishly refer to as "a scene" here or there, having 'double dog dares' tossed at you willy nilly after a certain level of inebriation is attained and bailing me out of jail when I attempt to complete the dares you were too much of a sissy to try, there is one main price to pay when out carousing on the town with Yours Truly: I will issue an edict instructing you to remind me to 'lift and separate' every seven minutes. (Note: I'm just asking for a "reminder;" I can handle the manual labor myself.)

I will be referring to my breasts. And I don't take my edicts lightly. Nor should you. I don't care if you're my parish priest- you are not excused from your duties. The 'seven minutes' thing is also non-negotiable. It has been scientifically tested by several friends who hoped to change the timing of the chore to a more leisurely 12-14 minutes. Nope. Seven. Deal with it.

Why? Well it's simple. Cleavage should not look like a plumber's ass crack. It simply should not. Aesthetics must be preserved for a civilized society to function properly. I don't want to look down and offend myself.

I'm a 36DD. Looking back (with my sore neck), I don't recall ever meeting the A, B, or C's on the trip. I just woke up one day at about 14 and tipped over when I got out of bed. We've been wrangling with one another ever since. We're venturing into "too much information" again aren't we? Mea culpa. Next round's on me for your pain and suffering.

There are good days. Some, not so much. Fashion tape? Like chains on Houdini. Useless at this level. Fashion glue? Much, much better but let's face it, there is something about using an odorous product to glue yourself into your lingerie that, frankly, is like kicking puppies. It's just mean. You may know well they won't be getting visitors but it's simply polite to be quiet about it so THEY don't know it. Padlocking the dog toys is just so..... pessimistic.

The exception to all of the above is if I remembered to extract my Frederick's Extreme Cleavage Bra from whatever rafter it was last seen dangling from and wear it. That changes everything.

This is not a bra that is simply about containment. Noooo. This bra is like an agent for breasts, travelling just slightly ahead of you and passing out fabulous, if not entirely accurate, PR material on behalf of your cleavage. "Gather 'round, next show starting soon," it whispers......

And it does so much more. It lifts, it separates, it negotiates tight corners, it files my taxes on time, it makes me smarter and wittier and .... well ok maybe not the last few. But if there was a bra that COULD? It would be this one.

When I die, make sure they bury me with my XXX bra on. That's all I'm trying to say. St. Paul will get pissy if he has to remind me every seven minutes for Eternity to lift and separate.

Updated Aug 14, 2008

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