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Accoutrements for an Early Mid-Life Crisis - a list by tatorandtots
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About this list:
From the dictionary: A crisis (plural: crises): an unstable and dangerous social situation. I am SO DUE for a "get out of jail free card" to use in dangerous social situations of my own creation. Perhaps the theme should be "S.O.S.": Slut off Sabbatical. Who knows. All I know is that I'm 37 and in the mood to raise a little hell. I'll be packing the things on this list in a flame-retardant picnic basket for the adventure. Grab a great bra and join me.
Qualifications:
I can rock cleavage better than girls half my age. Bring it.
World's Sexiest Hotels
First to recommend
Description
A stay at one of these luscious properties at either end of your trip might be all the motivation you need to summon up the courage to join the Mile High Club at some point on your adventure.
Or perhaps you'd like to get some inspiration for sexy home decor...Why not hit the road for an adventure? Check out the gorgeous interior playgrounds and visual feasts splayed out at the sexiest hotels in the world.... then go back home and recreate them in your own personal love nest.
And if you have to travel to the in-laws for the holidays, why not add spice by opting for a sexy room in the city instead of Aunt Mary's basement sofa bed.
Updated Aug 13, 2008
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Love Pistol earrings
First to recommend
Description
I didn't know I needed them until I saw them.
"Earrings with wooden pistols and hanging blue mirror heart gem on gold chain."
Updated Jul 16, 2008
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subversive cross stitch
First to recommend
4 people recommended this item
Description
Notecards, Cross-stitch kits, calendar, book... Julie's got what you need to send that special message to your "loved" one.
Updated Jun 10, 2008
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Devine Sex Toy Storage Boxes
First to recommend
2 people recommended this item
Description
For those of you who have read my other recs (none of which are in the sex toy genre, I might add), you are familiar with the slew of complexes that inject themselves into my posts- almost all of them exclusively having to do with being Irish and Catholic. We're not going to get into the third part of the Trifecta- my mother's role in playing mental origami with my psyche. At least not right now. Given the subject "at hand" (DAMN my naughty puns! There must be a chapter SOMEWHERE in a clinical textbook about the need to make them....right now I just hear the Cha-Ching of my therapy bill going up...).
ANYWAY, those of you who DO know what a whackjob I can be will thus have a fairly accurate idea of exactly how much red wine it took for me to post this particular little ditty. Yes, there are a few grapes left on the vine. But I did some damage, I assure you.
Ok, here's "the thing" THIS time because you've probably figured out there is always a "thing" with me:
Honest to god (I'd swear on my father's grave but a bit inappropriate given the obvious), I am so off-the-turnip truck at times I didn't even KNOW I had a vibrator until I saw the infamous Sex and the City Sharper Image episode. The one WITH MY HITACHI NECK MASSAGER. That I used FOR MY NECK. And yes, it was a magic wand alright. It was just casting entirely different, Irish Catholic spells. On my neck. Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the whole frat house of saints as my witnesses, I did not know.
We won't even get into the recovery THAT shock required. And the wine.
Anyway, once I discovered that what I had been tossing around like it was as innocent as a potato peeler was actually a vibrating love sword, modifications to its transport when travelling to Ireland had to be made, what with customs and all.
That is where these lovely cases come in.
And finally, we have arrived at the point. I'll drink to that.
Updated Jul 2, 2008
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The Flying Carpet
First to recommend
Description
A very cool and playful design. How you interpret and utilize that... well, it's up to you.
From busyboo:
Ana Mir and Emili Padrs, from Emiliana Design Studio, have designed the Flying Carpet rug for Nani marquina, a Barcelona-based rug company offering rugs for almost every kind of interior, all hand-tufted, hand-loomed and knotted.
The Flying Carpet rug seems as if it’s just about to land in your room, while its structured design clearly defines the interior space. The rug is hand loomed from 100% New Zealand wool and the wedge is felt wool and polyurethane foam and you cab get it in red, green or gray and small or large sizes.
By the way, the Nani marquina website is a beautiful Flash website with highly intuitive navigation, illustrations and beautiful photographs, while an illustrated red ball of yarn acts as a playful element tying everything together. Great style.
If you have trouble on the flash site, look for Nani and ordering info here:
http://www.gabrielross.com/
Updated Jul 1, 2008
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Pillage Necklace
First to recommend
Description
I'm pretty sure I love this.
From the site:
Necklace with wooden fishnet pegleg with a mirror anchor, mirror skull head and mirror square shapes on custom silve and copperr plated chains.
Updated Jul 16, 2008
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Why I Must ... Sex - Knock Knock
3 people recommended this item
Description
Can't write a rec. Laughing too hard.
Updated Jun 13, 2008
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DAILY MOOD TRACKER MOUSEPAD
2 people recommended this item
Description
In the whole "want vs need" debate that constantly writhes around in my head like a bad mental jello-wrestling match (think Oldie vs the young hotties in Old School.... sexy for 4 seconds until the camera pans to him... then you just kind of want to look away), I would place this closer to "want." Anyone with any kind of psyche training who knows me, however, would probably slide it towards "need."
So fine. I'll buy it. If the imaginary therapist's voice in my head insists. I'm a people pleaser, after all. Even if they're invisible people.
Updated Jun 30, 2008
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{What are you doing tonight?} >Ecard from Hipster Cards
First to recommend
Description
What are you doing tonight? ecard
Updated Jun 13, 2008
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"You Smell Like Bull Shit" UGLY LITTLE BITCH MINTS
First to recommend
Description
I've just finished riding an emotional retail roller coaster and had too much caffeine. What this means for you is that I will share the past 3 minutes of my life- all of which were quite disturbing in hindsight- because I'm too strung-out to realize there's no way I can come off well in this tale. What I DO know is that I feel an intense urge to go to church and apologize for ... well, you'll see in a second.
So I'm trolling the Perpetual Kid site when what to my wondering eyes does appear but the little brown tin up above there. Important little info nugget: I am not wearing my glasses. I should be. As you will see shortly.
Here is what happened next. Send your children out of the room if they can see the screen.
Squinting, I leaned toward the computer and misread the tin to be:
"You Smell Like Ball Sweat."
This is where it gets troubling.
I yelped- an actual YELP, yes- with glee. Why? No idea. I have no sentimental attachment to ball sweat. I have not been 'in the market' for any product with that essence. I have, in fact, no reason that I can imagine to be interested in ANYTHING to do with ball sweat. I'm also a grown-up. And, worst of all, THE MOTHER OF THREE CHILDREN.
Yet I yelped with glee. This will haunt me for years to come. Trust me. I'm Irish Catholic after all.
Anyway, I'll skip the psychoanalysis (you're probably thinking the psycho should be in CAPS, aren't ya....) and simply say that when I discovered it did not, in fact, say Ball Sweat I felt a wave of sincere disappointment. In the "Santa didn't bring me a puppy" way. I was sad for, like, 12 seconds. Sincerely sad.
Then I gave myself a pep talk. Took another look at the whole situation and decided to put on a brave face, refresh the page and try and approach it with a positive attitude. And you know what? In doing so, I actually found that "You Smell Like Bull Shit" was pretty damn funny for a tin of mints. I mean, it's no "ball sweat" obviously but still. Not bad.
So there ya go. Bet you're feeling a bit better about yourself now aren't you? If I can't be a good example to you then let me at least serve as a horrible warning.....
_____________________
UPDATE!!!!
Ok. Something just happened that does not surprise me at all. It's quite typical actually. Which explains why I need a cocktail or four at the end of many of my days.
Sigh. Here goes:
I left the above review EIGHT minutes ago. Then popped over to hotmail to have a look at my porn spam. Literally AS I WAS WRITING IT (the review, not the porn spam, just to be clear....), as I was going ON AND ON about how devastated I was to discover this product was not actually in any way associated with ball sweat, someone else was taking the time to send ME an email best summarized by the paragraph I will now cut and paste for you:
"Giving back
At age 16, Melvin Satterfield was homeless. Now, more than 30 years later, the Columbus, Ohio, furniture craftsman operates a highly rated business and mentors young people who are facing hard times."
Frankly, I feel like Jesus just phished my hotmail account with the "soul" (note misspelling- an attempt to make dumb pun that only highlights further why Satan will one day be my eternal boyfriend) purpose of cyber-backhanding me.
Really, there is no possible way I can compete in a comparison of the concurrent usage of time there. Pointless ball sweat rant vs homeless kid-turned-mentor inspirational email? I bet hell is going to smell like ball sweat. That would be my luck.
Updated Jun 30, 2008
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