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There are three rules for men when it comes to wallets. If you're over 9, you can't have zippers. If you're over 13, you can't have velcro. And if you ever want to be respected in the world, you cannot -- CANNOT -- own a tri-fold wallet.

Ever taken a close look at a man who uses a trifold wallet? They're ineffectual. As he pulls the money out of his wallet to buy that hot new Ricky Martin CD, the sides of the bills droop down limply. Trying to hand someone money that's been in a trifold wallet is like trying to play pool with a rope. (And if you know where that expression comes from, you've just discovered the only people who are allowed to use trifold anything.)

Take a look at this Perry Ellis wallet. It's simple, elegant, and most importantly, doesn't make your cash come out looking like it's been through torture. Bi-fold wallets, my friends. Bi-fold.

Updated Aug 10, 2008

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Hats for work!

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Just kidding. This was a test. Men don't wear hats to the office. No newsboy caps, no fedoras, no cowboy hats, no panamas, no straw hats. Especially no straw hats. I don't care if you just came back from three weeks in the Bahamas and have the skin tone of a mahogany desk: NO STRAW HATS.

That being said, there are three acceptable types of hats for guys to wear out to a bar. One is the baseball cap, which is for your lower-rent districts and urban clubs. Cowboy hats are good *if* you are going to a bar where some sort of line dancing is involved. And fedoras -- well, fedoras are always in style at a club. If that club happens to be in 1930's Germany, of course. Otherwise, you're risking an ass-whipping if you wear a fedora to, say, a hip-hop joint. As usual, it's all about the setting.

My advice, though? Don't wear a hat. Get a hairstyle.

Updated Aug 10, 2008

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Boxer Briefs

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Men, for all the ranting I've been doing about pants, shoes, shirts, etc. etc., there is nothing more defining than what a guy looks like in his underwear. If the guy in the mirror looking back at you is wearing a white t-shirt, green boxers, and black socks, I can pretty much guarantee you that you're sleeping alone.

First rule of underwear: Boxer Briefs. Throw away your boxers. Throw away your tighty-whiteys. For GOD'S SAKE, throw away your Speedos amd man-thongs. Seriously. Some women might dig the banana hammock, but really? Are you that proud of it?

Okay, now you have the boxer briefs. There are two rules to looking good in underwear around the house. First -- and this is incredibly important -- ALWAYS take your socks off BEFORE you take your pants off. The "I'm wearing underwear and socks but no pants" look instantly reminds women of their grandfathers. Or Archie Bunker. It's hideous. I can't even believe I'm talking about it.... but... it's something that is so important, it should be taught as a 1-credit course in your freshman year of college. Learn it. Never forget it.

Secondly -- and this is not exactly a trade secret, but if you haven't tried it, try it -- at night, if you're looking to spice things up, try walking around in an unbuttoned dress shirt and boxer briefs, with nothing else on. It drives most women up the curtains. If you're watching a woman read this right now, you can probably see the goosebumps going up her neck. I'm not sure why this is a great look, but hey -- I'm just saying. Give it a shot.

Note: This might work in boxers. It doesn't work in tighty-whiteys. But boxer briefs -- man, I'm telling you. Just go buy about two dozen pairs. They're like $5 for 2. Go get a ton. You can thank me later.

Updated Aug 10, 2008

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Geoffrey Beene dress shirts

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Kenneth Cole is my designer of choice for most of my work clothing, but Geoffry Beene makes the world's best dress shirts and ties. Since everything from your waist down is draped in classy black, this means that any -- and I mean ANY -- color shirt will work as long as it has an appropriate tie. The shirt-tie combo is the essence of your look. Anyone suggesting bright-on-dark combinations, like a white tie on a dark blue shirt, should have that shirt stuffed in his mouth, and then be strangled with that tie.

The tie must be the same general color as, or darker than, the shirt. There's just no way around it. Of course, this means you can't wear a black shirt to work. But really, do you want to be the guy dressed in all black at the office party?

My best advice? Ask a woman if the shirt goes with the tie. If you feel like a man when she says it works, it works. If you feel like a twelve-year-old being dressed for church by your mother, it doesn't work.

(Note: It helps to not actually ask your mother, for those of you still living in the basement of your parents' place. Go find a regular woman. And a place of your own.)

Click on the Butterscotch, Pecan, and Pacific Blue icons on the link provided to see what kind of great colors you get with Geoffrey Beene dress shirts. Then go buy them.

Updated Aug 10, 2008

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Kenneth Cole Reaction Modern Relaxed "Dyed In The Wool" Flat Front Pants

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There's always that one guy at the office who likes to mix in some light brown pants with his off-yellow shirt... or some pinstriped pants with his baby blue shirt... or some dark green pants with his floral print shirt on casual Fridays.

Know that guy?

That guy will be working for you very soon. Or he'll be working for the guy working for you. Or he'll be fetching coffee for the guy working for the guy working for you. Know why? You don't screw around with cute at the office. Your pants are black, your belt is black, and your shoes are black. You mean business, and you project class and style.

Also -- don't dismiss how important the modern look of "Flat Front Pants" are. They look great on you. Anything that looks this good should be walking down a runway, twirling a couple of times, and walking back to a non-fat decaf mocha latte and carb-free pseudo-rice cakes.

Updated Aug 10, 2008

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Kenneth Cole Reaction Waldorf Reversible Belt

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First off, forget the fact that this belt is reversible. One side is black; the other side is going to be some form of gray, or deep maroon, or blah blah blah blah blah. We go with black. Have you not been paying attention?

See the clasp? It's not one of those ugly "poke the arm through a belt hole and let it bow out a little" belt clasps. These front face clasps look great, are easy to adjust, and simply don't come undone at inopportune moments like you would expect them to. I personally buy belts with the gold instead of the silver, but that's just a skin tone thing. Both look great; just figure out whether you're a silver guy or a gold guy.

Updated Aug 10, 2008

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Socks: Old Navy

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Black socks -- plain black socks -- are so boring. First off, they're boring. Secondly, they're boring. And lastly -- and I don't want to understate this -- they're BORING. Mix it up a little. Your pants, shoes, and belt are black. Toss in a hint of color with some black argyle socks from Old Navy. Trust me. Nothing says "grrrrr!" like attractive man-ankles.

Updated Aug 10, 2008

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This guy broke the rule.

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See what I mean? This just doesn't work. I see this guy, I want to punch him. Or tip him a few extra bucks for delivering my milk, rain or shine.

Ugly look. Wear a tie, or untuck the shirt. End of story.

Updated Aug 10, 2008

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Shirts and the rules that govern them.

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See this Kenneth Cole shirt? It's awesome. It has the right combination of serious and fun. It can be worn with a tie to work, or top-button-undone and shirt-untucked (like the picture) to a club. It's soft, smooth, and extremely comfortable.

However, you *can* screw this shirt up. How? By wearing a belt and tucking the shirt in, and then not bothering with a tie. That look only works with polo shirts; any dress shirt included in this scenario will make you look like a tool. A retarded tool. A retarded colorblind tool. (Which, coincidentally, describes me to a T.)

For those of you who've read my profile, you know I don't like one-strapped tube tops or capris. They're disgusting. But guys who tuck their dress shirts in and wear a belt? Oh, you're cruising. When I see guys hop out of their cars sporting this look, I wait until they're safely into the orthopedic shoe store that their mothers sent them to, and then key their cars. Nice long horizonal lines. Squiggly ones. Some will loop. Sometimes I even sign my name. It's hard to fit your name onto a pink Volkswagen Cabriolet Convertible, but for these guys? I try.

Anyway. That's the rule. Be sure to check out all Kenneth Cole lines at Hecht's/Macy's; he's one of the few designers who allows men to continue looking like men. Bless you, Mr. Cole.

Updated Aug 10, 2008

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Magellan's Flightweight Leather Bomber Jacket

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I have a problem with leather jackets: In the fall and winter, I seemingly never want to take them off. They're warm, comfortable, and let's face it: They look damn good.

Really, what else would you want to wear? Suede jackets are stiff and heavy, whereas leather feels like a second skin. Parkas are simply not an option; we're going for sleek, not eskimo. Knee-length coats make you look like an X-Files wannabe. And anything that can reasonably be expected to have a ski lift tag attached is trying to say too much.

In short, I like the leather bomber look. It goes with dress clothing, slacks, jeans, khakis... anything you can think of. Every man should own a lightweight/flightweight leather jacket. Black, too. None of this "I want to be different" brown stuff. It's either black leather, or you stick to that jean jacket you've been wearing since your mullet was still in style.

Updated Aug 11, 2008

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