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I Don't: Retail Therapy for Divorcees - a list by tatorandtots
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About this list:
So I've been away from ThisNext for a month or two. Busy, busy, busy. And I have discovered something important: while ending a 13 year marriage is not fun, shopping to get over it most certainly is. So with that in mind, I'm going to share some of my favorite finds with all of you in the hope that you, too, find comfort with your credit cards...
Qualifications:
Umm... divorced. And shopaholic.
The Mom Song Sung to William Tell Overture
First to recommend
Description
Everything a mom says in 24 hours delivered in under 3 minutes.
Awesome. And soooo true.
Updated Jul 19, 2008
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Tang Condom Cover
First to recommend
2 people recommended this item
Description
I doubt you need me to explain the play on words here so let's just be classy about this and leave it by saying really, it should be on your nightstand table.
Eleven Eleven's full line of condom covers can be found at:
http://eleveneleven.net/condoms.htm#
Updated Aug 8, 2008
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I Want YOU! Condom Cover
First to recommend
2 people recommended this item
Description
Great for carrying extra protection onto an airplane. You never know when it may come in handy.
Note: if you flip it out unfolded with a deft wrist gesture and then quickly put it back, you might be able to pass it off as an air marshal's badge and get out of a sticky situation.
FYI If you don't check out all the image options......well, you're just plain crazy.
Updated Aug 13, 2008
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g=98 Thin Leg Warmers
First to recommend
Description
Very retro erotic.
We've come a long way from Luv's Baby Soft and Aqua Net ladies..... Be sure to check out all the delicious colors these come in.
From the site:
___________
The comfort of silk, the feel of cashmere, and the coolness of linen. Naturally sensual thin leg warmers made from recycled pine fibers and designed with a simple and sexy touch. You'll never want to take off these leg warmers! And we'll understand - it fits you like the softest glove with just enough stretch to keep you comfortable all day.
Updated Aug 8, 2008
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Eleven Eleven Condom Covers
First to recommend
Description
Dear God the follicles on that man.... I want to look away but can't.
See the full line at:
http://eleveneleven.net/condoms.htm#
Updated Aug 8, 2008
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Ach Ach Liebling: Fisticuffs
First to recommend
2 people recommended this item
Description
I'm not going to launch into my soliloquy on how the way women treat one another drives me insane, drives me to drink and drives me to have mainly men as friends.
I will simply say this: Ladies, if you're going to be uncool at least look cool doing it. Like this necklace. Love it. Made me smirk.
From the site:
Victorian ladies in all their finery engage in a rather unladylike tussle. The Ladies Fisticuffs is a detailed and old-fashioned print on a hand-fabricated plastic pendant (approx. 1.2" x 1"). Plastic material resembles ceramic in that is smooth and matte; unlike ceramic, it is lightweight and far more durable. A resin coating protects the print from sweat, moisture and the elements. A tiny (.5" x .3") razor cast in sterling adds a little toughness.
Chain, charm and details are sterling silver; chain is 16" long.
Ach Ach Liebling | USA
Wordsmith, plasticsmith and all-around bricoleur, Joanna Petrone sells her hand-fabricated jewelry under the company name Ach Ach Liebling (which means "oh oh darling" in German).
Born and raised in downtown Manhattan, Joanna migrated to California to attend Stanford, where she wrote a thesis on lesbian pulp fiction of the 1950s and graduated with a degree in English Literature. An impassioned reader and writer still, Joanna amuses herself by inserting language jokes and games and storybook allusions into her jewelry works, sometimes by nature and sometimes by design.
A runaway art project involving plastics and paperback book covers was the impetus behind Joanna's first experimental jewelry line. A hearty stint researching and experimenting with the processes and materials led to Joanna to developed the handsome, durable line of plastic pendants that are now a mainstay of Ach Ach Liebling.
In addition to hand-fabricated plastics and printing processes, Joanna uses metal, wood, lucite, celluloid, often incorporating vintage materials into her work. She takes inspiration from old postcards, Fassbinder movies, zoos, Victorian children's books, Antarctica, 19th c. naturalist field guides and ornithology handbooks, deep sea exploration, cities, and candy.
A perennial student, Joanna is currently learning metalsmithing at the Revere Jewelry Academy in San Francisco.
Updated Aug 8, 2008
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Revenge Necklace
First to recommend
Description
As of a few minutes ago, Revenge is mine. Now I just have to wait a week or two until it arrives. Love this necklace.
Actually, I love all of the parable necklaces Kimberly has designed. Check them out if you get a chance.
I couldn't do it the justice done by the description already on the site so here it is:
You tried a homemade voodoo doll. Put a hex on their heads. Badmouthed them to all your friends and posted snarky little tidbits on their myspace page. But like the Haagen Dazs you've been medicating with, Revenge is a dish best served cold. And right now you are hot headed. Don't blow your top, blow out your hair, rock the too tall shoes, and work your metallic clutch and golden Revenge necklace. It's sharply cut knife will do more than keep away the riff-raff, it will prove that the best revenge is looking great.
18kt gold vermeil or sterling silver coin is 1 1/4 inches in diameter and hangs on a 30 inch oxidized sterling silver chain.
Back reads: "Revenge is a dish best served cold"
About the Designer:
________________
Kimberly Baker | USA
"I take someone like Audrey Hepburn and picture her at a Misfits show", Seattle jewelry designer Kimberly Baker, says of her design process. It's that fusion of popular culture with classic style that adds pure energy to her designs.
Kim's interest in design started early. When she created her first piece in a high school jewelry class she was inspired by the do-it-yourself attitude of women musicians of the time, like Debby Harry, Exene, and Chrissie Hyde. The influence of punk music plays on.
Kim now works out of her Fremont (Seattle) studio producing jewelry, designed with imagination and verve, for some of the most cutting edge boutiques across the United States. "The women who wear my work are looking for distinct classic pieces with a tough sexy edge". Modern yet timeless, Kim's bold designs will make any woman feel powerful, sexy, and unique.
Updated Aug 8, 2008
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Ach Ach Liebling: Well, Kiddo? Do Not Covet Necklace
First to recommend
Description
Love the attached commandment charm. Clever, clever.
From the site:
An antique nudie postcard from one of the early decades of 20th century is reproduced in miniature on a hand-formed pendant. Measuring approx. 1" x 1.5" the pendant is fabricated from a smooth, matte plastic material. The print of a bloomer-clad seductress beneath the words "Well, Kiddo?" is resin-coated for protection from the elements. A tiny vintage charm (.4" x .4") inscribed with the 9th commandment ("Thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife," Kiddo) is the perfect coy accent.
Pendant hangs on 16" of brass chain with brass details and charm.
This item is custom made, usually ships in 5-7 business days.
$35.00
Ach Ach Liebling | USA
Wordsmith, plasticsmith and all-around bricoleur, Joanna Petrone sells her hand-fabricated jewelry under the company name Ach Ach Liebling (which means "oh oh darling" in German).
Born and raised in downtown Manhattan, Joanna migrated to California to attend Stanford, where she wrote a thesis on lesbian pulp fiction of the 1950s and graduated with a degree in English Literature. An impassioned reader and writer still, Joanna amuses herself by inserting language jokes and games and storybook allusions into her jewelry works, sometimes by nature and sometimes by design.
A runaway art project involving plastics and paperback book covers was the impetus behind Joanna's first experimental jewelry line. A hearty stint researching and experimenting with the processes and materials led to Joanna to developed the handsome, durable line of plastic pendants that are now a mainstay of Ach Ach Liebling.
In addition to hand-fabricated plastics and printing processes, Joanna uses metal, wood, lucite, celluloid, often incorporating vintage materials into her work. She takes inspiration from old postcards, Fassbinder movies, zoos, Victorian children's books, Antarctica, 19th c. naturalist field guides and ornithology handbooks, deep sea exploration, cities, and candy.
A perennial student, Joanna is currently learning metalsmithing at the Revere Jewelry Academy in San Francisco.
Updated Aug 8, 2008
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Hollywood Exxtreme Cleavage Bra
First to recommend
2 people recommended this item
Description
For Mile-High Clubbers:
If you came through this way because of the link from the How to Join the Mile-High Club list, great. Nice to have you.
Here's the thing: Ladies, you need to have a great bra on to pull off the Bathroom Badda Bing, Badda Boom on an airplane. Not just for the contortions you will have to twist yourself into but also because of a simple, undeniable fact: Hot people get more breaks. That's right. I said that out loud. Well, typed it. But it's like porn- people don't want to think of ugly people having sex. They don't mind and may even like to think of attractive people enjoying one another's company in a horizontal- or in this case vertical- way. The porn industry will 'back me up' on this.
So wear a good bra. The attendants will be less likely to stop you out of sheer horror. Just a suggestion.
________________________
Aside from bearing witness to what some may prudishly refer to as "a scene" here or there, having 'double dog dares' tossed at you willy nilly after a certain level of inebriation is attained and bailing me out of jail when I attempt to complete the dares you were too much of a sissy to try, there is one main price to pay when out carousing on the town with Yours Truly: I will issue an edict instructing you to remind me to 'lift and separate' every seven minutes. (Note: I'm just asking for a "reminder;" I can handle the manual labor myself.)
I will be referring to my breasts. And I don't take my edicts lightly. Nor should you. I don't care if you're my parish priest- you are not excused from your duties. The 'seven minutes' thing is also non-negotiable. It has been scientifically tested by several friends who hoped to change the timing of the chore to a more leisurely 12-14 minutes. Nope. Seven. Deal with it.
Why? Well it's simple. Cleavage should not look like a plumber's ass crack. It simply should not. Aesthetics must be preserved for a civilized society to function properly. I don't want to look down and offend myself.
I'm a 36DD. Looking back (with my sore neck), I don't recall ever meeting the A, B, or C's on the trip. I just woke up one day at about 14 and tipped over when I got out of bed. We've been wrangling with one another ever since. We're venturing into "too much information" again aren't we? Mea culpa. Next round's on me for your pain and suffering.
There are good days. Some, not so much. Fashion tape? Like chains on Houdini. Useless at this level. Fashion glue? Much, much better but let's face it, there is something about using an odorous product to glue yourself into your lingerie that, frankly, is like kicking puppies. It's just mean. You may know well they won't be getting visitors but it's simply polite to be quiet about it so THEY don't know it. Padlocking the dog toys is just so..... pessimistic.
The exception to all of the above is if I remembered to extract my Frederick's Extreme Cleavage Bra from whatever rafter it was last seen dangling from and wear it. That changes everything.
This is not a bra that is simply about containment. Noooo. This bra is like an agent for breasts, travelling just slightly ahead of you and passing out fabulous, if not entirely accurate, PR material on behalf of your cleavage. "Gather 'round, next show starting soon," it whispers......
And it does so much more. It lifts, it separates, it negotiates tight corners, it files my taxes on time, it makes me smarter and wittier and .... well ok maybe not the last few. But if there was a bra that COULD? It would be this one.
When I die, make sure they bury me with my XXX bra on. That's all I'm trying to say. St. Paul will get pissy if he has to remind me every seven minutes for Eternity to lift and separate.
Updated Aug 14, 2008
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Handcuff Fishnet Thigh Highs
First to recommend
Description
Keep a pair in your glovebox for speeding ticket negotiations....
Updated Aug 9, 2008
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