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For Mile-High Clubbers:
If you came through this way because of the link from the How to Join the Mile-High Club list, great. Nice to have you.

Here's the thing: Ladies, you need to have a great bra on to pull off the Bathroom Badda Bing, Badda Boom on an airplane. Not just for the contortions you will have to twist yourself into but also because of a simple, undeniable fact: Hot people get more breaks. That's right. I said that out loud. Well, typed it. But it's like porn- people don't want to think of ugly people having sex. They don't mind and may even like to think of attractive people enjoying one another's company in a horizontal- or in this case vertical- way. The porn industry will 'back me up' on this.

So wear a good bra. The attendants will be less likely to stop you out of sheer horror. Just a suggestion.
________________________

Aside from bearing witness to what some may prudishly refer to as "a scene" here or there, having 'double dog dares' tossed at you willy nilly after a certain level of inebriation is attained and bailing me out of jail when I attempt to complete the dares you were too much of a sissy to try, there is one main price to pay when out carousing on the town with Yours Truly: I will issue an edict instructing you to remind me to 'lift and separate' every seven minutes. (Note: I'm just asking for a "reminder;" I can handle the manual labor myself.)

I will be referring to my breasts. And I don't take my edicts lightly. Nor should you. I don't care if you're my parish priest- you are not excused from your duties. The 'seven minutes' thing is also non-negotiable. It has been scientifically tested by several friends who hoped to change the timing of the chore to a more leisurely 12-14 minutes. Nope. Seven. Deal with it.

Why? Well it's simple. Cleavage should not look like a plumber's ass crack. It simply should not. Aesthetics must be preserved for a civilized society to function properly. I don't want to look down and offend myself.

I'm a 36DD. Looking back (with my sore neck), I don't recall ever meeting the A, B, or C's on the trip. I just woke up one day at about 14 and tipped over when I got out of bed. We've been wrangling with one another ever since. We're venturing into "too much information" again aren't we? Mea culpa. Next round's on me for your pain and suffering.

There are good days. Some, not so much. Fashion tape? Like chains on Houdini. Useless at this level. Fashion glue? Much, much better but let's face it, there is something about using an odorous product to glue yourself into your lingerie that, frankly, is like kicking puppies. It's just mean. You may know well they won't be getting visitors but it's simply polite to be quiet about it so THEY don't know it. Padlocking the dog toys is just so..... pessimistic.

The exception to all of the above is if I remembered to extract my Frederick's Extreme Cleavage Bra from whatever rafter it was last seen dangling from and wear it. That changes everything.

This is not a bra that is simply about containment. Noooo. This bra is like an agent for breasts, travelling just slightly ahead of you and passing out fabulous, if not entirely accurate, PR material on behalf of your cleavage. "Gather 'round, next show starting soon," it whispers......

And it does so much more. It lifts, it separates, it negotiates tight corners, it files my taxes on time, it makes me smarter and wittier and .... well ok maybe not the last few. But if there was a bra that COULD? It would be this one.

When I die, make sure they bury me with my XXX bra on. That's all I'm trying to say. St. Paul will get pissy if he has to remind me every seven minutes for Eternity to lift and separate.

Updated Aug 14, 2008

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Sexy Santa Set

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I love the outfit. I'm not enthralled with the catchphrase "skong." It diverts my mind from the deviant depths it was crawling towards and fills it with images of a giant ape and a little Italian man jumping over barrels....

Updated Nov 13, 2008

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Framed Scarlet Patent Bag

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I'm a sucker for pretty shiny things. This scarlet bag would like great on your arm this holiday season or, at less than $50, make a great gift.

Updated Nov 14, 2008

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Ombre Hobo Bag

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Fall colors with a kick. Great size for a Saturday doing errands....

Updated Nov 14, 2008

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Crinkled Patent Ankle Boot

First to recommend

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Ooh! Love these! They say, " Lady Leprechaun's Night Out!!" to me!

Updated Nov 14, 2008

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Silk Pencil Skirt

First to recommend

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There are other color options but the aubergine is just perfect for a holiday cocktail party...... And it's on sale for $39!

Updated Nov 15, 2008

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Double-Buckle Open-Toe Pump

First to recommend

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These would be great with yummy red toenails....

Updated Nov 15, 2008

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Personalized Gingerbread House

First to recommend

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One of the best hostess gifts I've come across this year....

from red envelope:
The hottest property on the holiday real-estate market is our all-edible, 100% delicious gingerbread house. It comes complete with a snowman doorman, candy-cane trim and gumdrop landscaping. They'll know it's their house by the frosting nameplate over the front door. Once unwrapped, it should be eaten within 30 days. Left as decoration, it will keep for up to 12 months. Candies used for embellishment may contain nuts. Exclusively from RedEnvelope.

* 100% edible
* frosting nameplate may be personalized with up to two lines of 12 characters per line
* if not personalized, nameplate will read "Happy Holidays"
* house measures 9" x 9" x 10" high

Updated Nov 16, 2008

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Snowball Hydrangea

First to recommend

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Another favorite as both a hostess gift and tabletop decor....

from red envelope:

The hydrangea, prized for its showy white blossoms, is particularly appropriate in winter, when it symbolizes thanks and understanding. Our distinctive snowball variety will bring a burst of seasonal joy to their kitchen table or windowsill during the holidays. Exclusively from RedEnvelope.

* arrangement designed by landscape architect Marta Fry
* plant is housed in a tapered square pot with a charcoal-gray zinc finish
* pot is 6" sq. x 6"H

Updated Nov 16, 2008

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Lumen Candles

First to recommend

2 people recommended this item

Description

Different designs available. Also, Red Envelope has one of the best last-minute shipping policies around for the holidays....

A great hostess gift.

from the site:
Illuminated by flickering flames, this oil lamp casts lively, festive shadows through its delicate cutouts. The shadows change with the lamp?s position—the closer to the wall, the more detail; the farther away, the more intriguingly abstract.

* offered in Deer or Pine Tree design; see above for available styles
* arrives with two odorless and clean-burning 17-hour fuel cells
* 2 3/4" diam. x 5 1/4"H
* brushed stainless steel
* designed by acclaimed Brooklyn artist Adam Frank

Updated Nov 16, 2008

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Holidays '08: The $25-$50 List - a list by tatorandtots

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