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For Mile-High Clubbers:
If you came through this way because of the link from the How to Join the Mile-High Club list, great. Nice to have you.

Here's the thing: Ladies, you need to have a great bra on to pull off the Bathroom Badda Bing, Badda Boom on an airplane. Not just for the contortions you will have to twist yourself into but also because of a simple, undeniable fact: Hot people get more breaks. That's right. I said that out loud. Well, typed it. But it's like porn- people don't want to think of ugly people having sex. They don't mind and may even like to think of attractive people enjoying one another's company in a horizontal- or in this case vertical- way. The porn industry will 'back me up' on this.

So wear a good bra. The attendants will be less likely to stop you out of sheer horror. Just a suggestion.
________________________

Aside from bearing witness to what some may prudishly refer to as "a scene" here or there, having 'double dog dares' tossed at you willy nilly after a certain level of inebriation is attained and bailing me out of jail when I attempt to complete the dares you were too much of a sissy to try, there is one main price to pay when out carousing on the town with Yours Truly: I will issue an edict instructing you to remind me to 'lift and separate' every seven minutes. (Note: I'm just asking for a "reminder;" I can handle the manual labor myself.)

I will be referring to my breasts. And I don't take my edicts lightly. Nor should you. I don't care if you're my parish priest- you are not excused from your duties. The 'seven minutes' thing is also non-negotiable. It has been scientifically tested by several friends who hoped to change the timing of the chore to a more leisurely 12-14 minutes. Nope. Seven. Deal with it.

Why? Well it's simple. Cleavage should not look like a plumber's ass crack. It simply should not. Aesthetics must be preserved for a civilized society to function properly. I don't want to look down and offend myself.

I'm a 36DD. Looking back (with my sore neck), I don't recall ever meeting the A, B, or C's on the trip. I just woke up one day at about 14 and tipped over when I got out of bed. We've been wrangling with one another ever since. We're venturing into "too much information" again aren't we? Mea culpa. Next round's on me for your pain and suffering.

There are good days. Some, not so much. Fashion tape? Like chains on Houdini. Useless at this level. Fashion glue? Much, much better but let's face it, there is something about using an odorous product to glue yourself into your lingerie that, frankly, is like kicking puppies. It's just mean. You may know well they won't be getting visitors but it's simply polite to be quiet about it so THEY don't know it. Padlocking the dog toys is just so..... pessimistic.

The exception to all of the above is if I remembered to extract my Frederick's Extreme Cleavage Bra from whatever rafter it was last seen dangling from and wear it. That changes everything.

This is not a bra that is simply about containment. Noooo. This bra is like an agent for breasts, travelling just slightly ahead of you and passing out fabulous, if not entirely accurate, PR material on behalf of your cleavage. "Gather 'round, next show starting soon," it whispers......

And it does so much more. It lifts, it separates, it negotiates tight corners, it files my taxes on time, it makes me smarter and wittier and .... well ok maybe not the last few. But if there was a bra that COULD? It would be this one.

When I die, make sure they bury me with my XXX bra on. That's all I'm trying to say. St. Paul will get pissy if he has to remind me every seven minutes for Eternity to lift and separate.

Updated Aug 14, 2008

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"monica, dear, there is no santa. now be a sweetheart and fix mommy another martini". (happy holidays) Boxed Set of 12

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From MikWright:
"Inside you'll find incredibly fun printed (non photo attached) holiday cards with all the holiday humor you expect from MikWright! INSIDE reads: "monica, dear, there is no santa. now be a sweetheart and fix mommy another martini". (happy holidays). 12 cards with envelopes."

Updated Nov 15, 2008

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Languages of Mom Necklaces

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Say "I love you, Mom" in Spanish, Italian or French with one of these lovely necklaces....

Updated Nov 6, 2008

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Custom Photo Makeup Bag

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What a great, stylish stocking stuffer! Special lining to protect from spills....

Updated Nov 11, 2008

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Garrelli Black Croco Bare Escentuals Case

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As a user of Bare Escentuals, I know how challenging it can be to maximize the logistics of application while minimizing space consumption. This fabulous case handles it all stylishly.....

Also available in pink! (via The Style Page)

Updated Nov 11, 2008

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Framed Scarlet Patent Bag

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I'm a sucker for pretty shiny things. This scarlet bag would like great on your arm this holiday season or, at less than $50, make a great gift.

Updated Nov 14, 2008

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Script Couples Name Necklace

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This is just one of the many styles of custom, engraveable jewelry on the Eve's Addiction site. It would make a fantastic bridal shower gift or stocking stuffer......

Updated Nov 16, 2008

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Sexy Santa Set

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I love the outfit. I'm not enthralled with the catchphrase "skong." It diverts my mind from the deviant depths it was crawling towards and fills it with images of a giant ape and a little Italian man jumping over barrels....

Updated Nov 13, 2008

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Shoes Magnet Set

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A stylish way to stick it.....

Updated Nov 11, 2008

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OhMiBod

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I am notorious for not knowing I own a vibrator. Really. God's honest truth. I am, perhaps, the only human in the civilized- or at least electric outlet accessible- world who did not know that the Hitachi Magic Wand was not just for the back.

I used mine on my back. A lot. And sometimes my neck. I never worked any magic elsewhere. Never crossed my mind. Did I mention that I'm IRISH Catholic? The naive kind?

Worse, I carried it around in public- like through airports.

I would even go so far as to leave it flagrantly displayed on top of all of my clothes in my luggage so that customs officials had to MANUALLY extract it and hold it up while rummaging through the rest.

All the while? I was clueless it was a vibrator. A well-known vibrator. In fact, I did everything but use it as a jump rope in terms of displaying it publicly. What can I say? A decade of Irish dancing jigging' injuries left me with a lot of aches and pains. In Catholic places. Like my lower back.

I really loved that 'ol wand.

And then in a moment I will never forget, I saw it. On tv. In a Sex and the City episode. Only Samantha didn't have any Irish dancing jigging injuries....

I can still feel the sensation of the reel of mental snapshots smacking me back and forth about my head.... all the moments in which I flounced around, all but swinging my - what I now realized was a- SEXUAL STIMULATOR around like the boa of a transgender Cher in a Pride Parade.

Of course I did what any good Irish Catholic aging schoolgirl would do. I reached for a drink. Then followed that with several more.

But that's not quite the end of that saga. Noooo. There was one last chapter for the Magic Wand... a chapter so ripe with hellbound symbolism I have to laugh. Well, now that I escaped it alive anyway.

I set myself on fire with it.

Yes, on fire. Real flames. An actual dousing with liquid was even involved. It was fairly close, I would say, to self-immolation.

Here's the deal- I was sitting at my desk at home. My back hurt. Again, I ALWAYS USED THIS AS A BACK MASSAGER. I swear. As further proof of that, the inferno happened as a result of me CROSSING MY LEGS. Unbeknownst to me, a foil gum wrapper had attached itself, like a tiny mint Joan of Ark, to the bottom of my shoe. It released itself above the computer's power strip, a shiny kamikaze Wrigley pilot on a mission to destroy the Sin Stick.

A whole bunch of bad things happened (including the shorting out of my computer) and then I realized I smelled smoke. Like burning-denim smoke. Looked down.

My pants were on fire.

Really, if I wrote these things down for a movie they would be unreal. In my actual life, though, they are what I call "the usual." I have a very visually symbolic life. It's a bit exhausting to keep up with.

At any rate, why am I telling you this? No good reason, really. Just that when I saw this Ipod Vibrator attachment, my first thought was, "Oh thank God I came across this ad. If someone had handed one to me I would have thought it was for karaoke."

Updated Oct 22, 2008

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Holidays '08: Gifts for Women - a list by tatorandtots

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